sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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