Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
