is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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