highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
