I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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