Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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