i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
