Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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