I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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