Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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