My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize