Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
