In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't deserve a penis
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
