She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
