4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
