I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
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i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered