I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think my fart just growled at me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
