you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
