wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
