Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
