I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
