I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You are a genius and a whore.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
