The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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