Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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