He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
