Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
