talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
