this beer tastes like vomit already
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
