Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
