Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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