i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
