I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
