When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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