i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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