Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
