Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
