it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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