i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
