You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's great music for shaving your balls
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
