I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
