Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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