Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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