remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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