I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
