she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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