Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
