Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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