I skipped work to stalk him.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
