Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
