butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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