I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
