Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
