fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
