so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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