I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
