i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
