It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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