i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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