I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
