Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
