Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
